Lucidity

I can't say whether or not I'm actually lucid or not; it still feels like dreaming. There has been little sleep of consequence over the past few weeks, owing to the nature of my work patterns, which has been a constant state of panicked chaos. And just when it seems there might be a moment of respite, certain exterior forces gather together in one point of time to drive the stress level through the roof.

Let's not get into the details; everyone has been there, and my case is not unique. Moments of life arise when it seems that everything is happening at once, that multiple needs are pulling at you in different directions, and there is neither time nor mental energy available to take it all in. Some people seem to thrive on such an environment. The rest of us experience stress.

It is curious, however, to realize (looking inward) how one deals with such stress, especially when the realization dawns that there is no possibility of actually doing all the things that are being asked, nor of being in all the places required. A certain amount of procrastination sets in, a near-fascination with the prospect of sitting by and watching the disaster come and go, knowing that, although it will not result in an immediate, physical danger, the possibility exists that it will have serious consequence on the stability of the future.

At some point, a kind of mental peace settles in as one realizes that there is nothing that can be done to avoid disaster, that the opportunity for taking effective action has passed by, and that the choice now lies in moving on with things as they are and accepting the consequences, or moving on to something else. Moving on is always an attractive option as it provides a means of starting afresh, a clean slate, whereas the alternative provides nothing more than a return to the known state of stress which has no guarantee of lessening.

Looking back over the years, these things have occurred in about the same three-year cycle, so it doesn't surprise me that it is occurring again. But there doesn't seem to be quite the same level of stress this time; it doesn't feel as though my career is in danger - or in limbo. Indeed, my career seems to be going along quite swimmingly, assuming my career plan is to remove myself from the more rewarding aspects of engineering and take on what I would consider as the dull and boring avenues of management.

I don't like management. I don't like dealing with people who bicker and argue and refuse to get along. I disdain conflict.

Today's final hour was a microcosm of the horror story which accompanies each day's travail.

Departure time was scheduled for five-thirty, and my final task was to assist in the running of some tests in the lab. One of my code reviewers was walking past the lab and noticed me, so he came scurrying in to confront me with what he considered to be a critical problem.

The problem was, naturally, another person. This other person disagreed with his assessment of the code and refused to make the requested changes. The reviewer was incensed that the coder would refuse to recognize his authority as a reviewer to dictate the terms of the code fix, and demanded that the proper procedure be followed.

When I say incensed, I mean exactly that. The man was getting extremely emotional about the problem. He was insulted because the coder didn't agree with his assessment. He took a personal affront that someone disagreed with his comments.

Both the coder and the reviewer have a teensy bit of a problem with Ego, so the fact that they disagreed didn't surprise me. What surprised me was the non-professional, emotional response that it generated, like two little children arguing over a toy.

I reminded the reviewer that the procedure called out for a moderator, a third party who would step in to handle just such an occurrence, and suggested that he forward the comments to that person and get the problem resolved as soon as possible. And asked him specifically not to talk to the coder again about the problem.

I also told him in no uncertain terms that I will tolerate petty arguments over such issues between team members, and that it is more important to me that the team members work together in harmony than that we figure out who was right and who was wrong. First, because I don't believe with their Egos that they could ever admit that the other person was right; and second, because there is nothing that makes work more of a drudgery than having to deal with conflict between team members every day.

In other words, he may be right, but if he's going to argue over every dotted 'i' and crossed 't' just to prove to everyone how right he is, I don't want him on my team. I'd rather have a team of idiots who get along than a team of experts who argue all the time.

My last exercise in management, which just ended this past week as I handed over the reigns to someone else, suffered from the very same problem. After the first team meeting when I took over the role of technical lead, it was obvious that two of the members could not be in the same room together. Rather than exclude anyone from the meeting, I simply abandoned the idea of meetings, instead focusing on one-on-one interfacing and lots of email. And as each person finished their portion of the assignment, they were moved off to other projects. In the end, the team was reduced to myself, my 'lieutenant', and our documentation person. This, from an original group of ten. And it must be stated that my 'lieutenant', a young man half-distracted by his PhD work, did more to further the progress of the project than all the other developers combined.

So now it is his project, and more power to him.

Meanwhile, the pressure is on for me to get the new team organized and working, and it looks like there may be some more trimming ahead.

Onward!