Questionnaire

Please answer the following questions, then make carbon copies. Send the yellow to Accounting, the pink to Human Resources, and the teal to your permanent folder.

And remember, this is for posterity. So, be honest. How do you feel?

1. Were you named after anyone?
It is my believe that I am named after my uncle, but it wasn't something that we talked a lot about as I was growing up. It just seemed to be an odd coincidence that my name was Robbie and my uncle's name was (and still is) Bob. Both names contain the "ob" letter sequence in the 2nd and 3rd letter positions, and the probability of that particular combination occurring in a randomly selected sample is statistically negligible, which infers some positive correlation coefficient. The odds are that my name was selected due a personal affinity between my father and his elder brother. Perhaps.

2. When was the last time you cried?
I cry every time the pollen concentration rises above a predetermined level, but that is completely an unconscious reaction and unconnected with any emotional experience through which I am undergoing. Certain passages in books or movies have been known to bring me to the point of 'choking up', but it cannot be said that true tears have escaped from my ducts in those intervals, mainly due to the fact that I'm a guy, and guys don't cry. Ever.

3. Do you like your handwriting?
I don't have handwriting anymore. I gave up handwriting after achieving proficiency in typing, and after converting the entire world to electronic communication single-handedly. My hand cramps up if I even think of writing anything by hand. I hire a professional calligrapher when it is necessary to send congratulatory cards.

4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Those are two diametrically opposed concepts: "favorite" and "lunch meat". The first implies a pre-existing condition of sated desire; the second describes a food product which meets the definition of "food" by only the most generous of critical evaluations. It is illogical to desire an item which is not real food, therefore one cannot be said to favor it over other equally non-food items.
Besides, I always have leftovers for lunch.

5. Do you have kids.
Yes. Four. Why? Do you need one?

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Or, to put it another way: If you were not another person, would you be your own worst enemy?

7. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Of course not. Don't you?

8. Do you still have your tonsils?
Is that really relevant? Yes, but my wife doesn't let me put the jar up on the mantel anymore. She says it scares the guests.

9. Would you bungee jump?
Given sufficient monetary inducement, and with the help of powerful narcotics, it could happen. Maybe.

10. What is your favorite cereal?
Owing to the fact that I must take analgesics along with my antihistamines first thing in the morning, cereal is not among my breakfast choices, as generally it is mixed with an amount of milk, and the aforementioned milk would seriously devaluate the impact of the analgesics on my system (due to the coating effect it has on the stomach lining). Therefore, this question is irrelevant.

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
If they can be removed without untying, it is generally my habit to do so; but it is equally important that they also may be placed on my feet afterward without requiring additional untying and then re-tying. For that reason, I maintain a pair of Dockers ("boat shoes") which may be slipped on and off without tying; a pair of athletic shoes which generally require tying; and a pair of black dress shoes ("wing-tips") which must always be tied. I minimize the number of times in which the black shoes are worn, and rely mostly on the Dockers due to their relative ease-of-use.

12. Do you think you are strong?
It is an ambiguous question. Does it refer to physical, spiritual, moral, ethical, or emotional aspects of my character? As regards physical, I am average for my size; my spiritual strength is difficult to measure with any scaled precision; morally, I can only say that I sleep well at night; ethically, there can be found no evidence to convict me in a court of law; and emotionally, I'm a middle-aged man with a lovely wife, four children on the brink of adulthood and two psychotic cats -- it's a miracle I'm able to get through the day without undergoing a complete nervous breakdown.

13. What is your favorite ice cream?
Do you mean to imply that there is a flavor other than vanilla? In point of fact, there is not. There is vanilla, and then there are all those additives that are used to (supposedly) enhance its flavor. As if one could possibly improve vanilla.

14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
It is my observation that most people are far too obsessed with their own point of view, and do not spend nearly enough time attempting to understand how they are viewed by others. Because of this, most people dress far too casually.

15. Red or pink?
Again, an ambiguous question. This could be interpreted in so many different ways, from simple color preference to appropriate beverage choice based on meal composition. It could also refer to the dichotomy between damaged tissue (blood red) and healthy (pink flesh). Given that I'm rather squeamish with regard to issues of blood, I'll have to go with pink.

16. What is the weather like outside?
Given that the question relates to a momentary atmospheric phenomenon with little relevance to the general non-linear data heretofore collected, this question has no merit and can therefore be safely ignored.

17. Who do you miss the most?
This question lacks a critical description of both context and circumstance. By its phrasing, it implies a singular choice among a set of emotional bonds, once strong but now weakened by physical, mental or emotional separation. Failure to identify the bounding constraints which would minimize the set, results in a broad-based interpretation, which can result in no other appropriate response than, "My sanity."

18. Do you want everyone to send this back to you?
Were "everyone", as an unbounded and ambiguous numerative description of the responding user set, to send a reply to the server, the collective flood of packets would result in destabilization of the network interface, including loss of process control, possibly resulting in collapse of the server itself. The answer, therefore, can only be "No."

19. What color of shoes are you wearing?
Again, a question with little overall relevance, other than to point out a single sample of my personal footwear choice corresponding to those instances where my main activity is centered on computer-related tasks. As it happens, my general habit is to wear simple cotton socks on my feet when working at home on the computer, with no shoes.

20. What was the last thing you ate?
I can only imagine that this question is somehow targeted towards determining my general dietary habits, hoping to occur upon a statistically significant moment when that diet has been uninterrupted by any special occasions which might merit a departure from consistent behavior. Unfortunately, at the time this question was reached, a birthday celebration had just been completed, and my portion consisted of a single slice of chocolate cake accompanied by two scoops of vanilla ice cream.

21. What are you listening to right now?
A little inner voice which is telling me that I should spend less time on Facebook questionnaires, and more time with my wife and children.

22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Self-anthromorphization of my person into an inanimate object for the purpose of ascertaining individual color preference seems a bit extreme, if you ask me. Why not just ask me my favorite color? Besides which, I can never remember, nor would I ever care to remember, the bizarre and sometimes questionable couplings of adjectives used to describe the shades of color used in modern crayons. I hark back to my youth when the choices were simple and few: red, yellow, black, green, blue, purple, etc. My choice has been and will always remain "blue". Like the ocean.

23. Favorite smells.
Is that a question, or a statement? That particular noun-verb combination could be construed as a simple statement, were it not for the fact that it implies a connective thought between an ambiguous verb, "Favorite", and an action verb, "smells". It could also be interpreted as a grammatically incorrect question, the object of which is to reveal preferential olfactory experiences. As there is no unambiguous interpretation of the term "Favorite", it is probable that the second meaning is the intended one.
Therefore, the correct answer is, the scent of the evergreen trees in the forests of the Yosemite Valley. Or the hair of an infant. Or the smell of carrying an infant through the evergreen forests of the Yosemite Valley.

24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Owing to the dearth of telephone conversations in this house which require my input - it is not my first choice for communication, nor, having conversed with me over the telephone, would it be your choice for obtaining any significant information from me - there is little to be gained from inquiring into this particular aspect of my immediate history. However, just to keep things going, I will tell you that I had a great time chatting with the guy from the car repair place. It turns out that he is quite knowledgeable in areas unrelated to transportation, and has several interesting viewpoints on the current political situation. Plus he knows a lot of very colorful words which I could not find in the dictionary.

25. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I'm married to the person who sent this to me. Draw your own conclusions.

26. Favorite sports to watch.
Again with the noun-verb phrases of indeterminate grammar. I'll assume that it is a question relating to a preference for observing contests involving a particular organized athletic club. Seriously? As if I have time to sit around watching other people, with whom I am not acquainted, playing games? And placing value on the outcome of those events as though I had a personal stake in the matter? The concept is bizarre in the extreme. It is not logical. But it is sometimes fun to see how goofy the people up in viewing stands can be, painting themselves with the team colors. Still reminds me of Roman "bread and circuses", however. Mollifying the masses with meaningless entertainment drivel while the borders are being assailed by barbarians.

27. Hair color?
Hmmm. Two nouns placed side-by-side in close proximity to a question mark. Fascinating, if still irregular. Assuming the intent is to determine the pigmentation of my hair follicles, the answer is - or was - simple. My hair has always been brown. Over the last five or six years, depletion of the melanin-producing melanocytes in many of the follicles has resulted in the generation of numerous gray ones; typically this is referred to as "salt and pepper" coloring. I attribute this phenomenon mostly to the stress and anxiety inherent in the raising of children, especially teenagers.

28. Eye color?
Intuitively leaping to the obvious conclusion, my eyes are described as "hazel", which is characterized by a preponderance of green coupled with a less proportionate amount of brown hue. Whereas the proportion of brown varies from day to day, sometimes my eyes appear green, and other days, greenish-brown.

29. Do you wear contacts?
Owing to a spate of eye infections related to the use of contacts during the early years of my optical enhancement, and on the advice of my physiciain, their use has been permanently discontinued.

30. Favorite food?
(Sigh. Grammar.) Until the advent of my beef-related digestive anomaly, lasagna was my primary choice. At this point in my life, I'll eat anything put in front of me. However, I have noticed cravings for mashed potatoes during certain times of the year...

31. Scary movies or happy endings?
Why not scary movies with happy endings? I suppose it depends on your point of view. If you are rooting for the scary monsters, an ending where all the monsters triumph is still a happy ending.

32. Last movie you watched?
"Hamlet", with David Tennant (Dr. Who) and Patrick Stewart (Captain Picard). Or was it "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" with Tim Roth, Richard Dreyfuss and Gary Oldman? They were watched in such close temporal proximity that I can't recall exactly. But who can forget that classic line: "Get thee to a nunnery!"

33. What color shirt are you wearing?
Of what particular significance is my choice of clothing at this moment in time? Perhaps this query would be better served as, "What preponderance of apparel choice is evident by a cursory examination of your closet?"
In point of fact, I generally wear black, gray, or blue. With occasional flashes of green. Whatever goes with my jeans.

34. Summer or winter?
Or, to put it another way: "Would you wish to be physically discomfited by seasonal rhinitis, or would you prefer a jolly round of influenza?" Either way, the requisite medications render me mentally unfit for cogitation, with the result that I am effectively removed from the list of contributing members of society during most of the year. I prefer a climate-controlled environmental chamber. With a Coke machine.

35. Hugs or kisses?
Kisses from my wife. Hugs from friends and family. Handshakes from acquaintances. Polite nods from strangers. Complete avoidance from the rest of society in general.

36. Car or truck?
Van. Chevy. Customized. Pre-1980.

37. Most likely to respond?
As I'm not intending to pass this along to anyone, there is no one who is likely to respond.

38. Least likely to respond.
President Obama. Or perhaps Osama. Either way, I'm counting on being ignored.

39. What book are you reading now?
If I were reading a book, I wouldn't be typing on the computer. I do not multi-task. Ask me again later, when I'm actually reading. I'll ignore you ... because I do not multi-task.

40. What is on your mouse pad.
It is presumptuous of you to assume I use a mouse pad at all. Have you never heard of touchpads or trackballs? The world doesn't follow a single path to Nirvana, you know. Expand your horizons.

41. What did you watch on TV last night?
Again with the presumption! It may interest you to know that I don't watch television. There is nothing on the broadcast channels worth watching. Nor do I have sufficient time in my life to waste any of it glued to the television screen. I'm too busy with my eyes glued to the laptop screen, writing answers to questionnaires on the Internet...

42. Favorite sound?
My favorite sound is the pop-and-fizz resulting from successful opening of my morning Coke. Caffeine, here we come!

43. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
The Beatles have a vastly more complex repertoire compressed into an unbelievably short career stretch. The Rolling Stones play the same basic type of material over and over again, but they have managed to survive for over forty years. My respect for both bands is immeasurable, but when given the choice, I always prefer the Beatles due to their superior craftsmanship.

44. Where do you want to go next?
Given the choice, I would prefer to go back to bed, but knowing that this would result in a serious depletion in both the quantity and stability of my income, I will forego that selection. Were income not involved, I would immediately relocate to the Yosemite Valley.

45. Do you have a special talent?
I have many special talents, among which are: putting my foot in my mouth, talking too much, forgetting people's names (including my own children), building prototypes which don't work, driving badly, and getting wounded every time I use a tool. Any tool. Would you like to see pictures?

46. Where were you born?
To paraphrase the Bunny (Bugs), I don't remember, I was awfully young then.
[NOTE: It probably isn't a good idea to reveal your name and age and place of birth on the Internet. Just sayin.]

47. Whose answer are you looking forward to getting back?
As I'm not planning on sending this out, the question is irrelevant.

==
BONUS QUESTIONS
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48. If God were watching over your shoulder, what advice would he give you?
Get off the computer and get to work.

49. If you could go back in time and make one thing right, what would it be?
Adam and Eve. "Hey, kids, just because the snake is talking doesn't mean you should listen to him! He's a snake, for crying out loud!"

50. How many minutes did it take you to finish this questionnaire?
Too many.