I'm not the first one in my family to have to deal with medical issues, nor are my issues as life-threatening as those experienced by other members of the family, but it is perhaps common to all of us in these moments that we are brought to think about our own mortality.
Having parents blessed with relatively long lifespans even in the face of life-threatening afflictions, it has been my unspoken assumption that my own sojourn on this earth would be of a similar length -- even taking into account the fact the number of over-the-counter medications I've been taking throughout the course of my life has always been a bit on the high side. [Sometimes I try to imagine what my liver looks like these days, and shudder.] But the logical part of my brain recognizes that this is not very likely. One does not escape the Dark Side of Life after spending a significant portion of it pouring various substances into one's system in a vain attempt to alleviate chronic pain and discomfort. Even more so after being made aware some years ago that my mind is not capable of dealing with a great deal of stress before collapsing like a deck of cards. [This is why I gave up Project Management.]
It was no surprise to find myself experiencing a stroke. In fact, it was rather expected and in some ways a relief to suffer such a small one after all these years of reliance on medicines to get me through the days. It could've been far worse.
This dichotomy of feelings is akin in some ways to cognitive dissonance - believing in two or more contradictory ideas at the same time. One believes one will live a long life even though the little signposts along the path are clearly marked "Road Closed Ahead". One believes that driving a little recklessly will not inevitably result in an early demise. One believes that all one can stop smoking / drinking / etc ... after this next hit. One believes that all the stress and anxiety will disappear just as soon as this next deadline is attained.
It is perhaps a Wake-Up call to make important changes in one's life, finding better ways to treat the frailties of one's body, better ways of dealing with one's inability to handle stress/anxiety, knowing when to take a break without feeling like one is endangering one's livelihood.
At this point in my life, not knowing how much of it remains, my chief concern is ensuring the security of my family, the current generation and the generations to come. I'm looking forward with great anticipation to meeting my grandchildren. I'm hoping to spend a number of years keeping my wife company and trying to keep her happy and healthy. I'm dreaming of spending time in my garden and in my shop doing things with my hands so long as all those nerves and muscles are in good working order. I hope to get better at maintaining contact with all the extended family and all the friends I've made over my lifetime.
But if that is not to be the Cosmic Plan of my life, at least I can rest in the knowledge that I'll be seeing everyone again soon. The World will move on without me, but I will always be a part of it so long as there is someone to remember me.
Just as I remember those who have gone on before.
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