Is it Friday yet?

I've been at work for only two days, and I'm ready for another holiday.

{Pardon me if I yap about work for a bit. It's tiresome, but since a majority of my time is spent there, it does tend to fill up my thoughts.}

There remains but six weeks to complete an incredible amount of work, and there is absolutely no way it can be done. Documents to finish, tests to run, reports to write, data to publish. On schedule. Under budget.

No pressure. Right.

I've had a few moments in the course of my career (if you can call it a 'career') where going to work was an absolute joy, looking forward to getting up in the morning. Usually in the beginning of a job, when it seems there is all the time in the world to learn, to plan, to get things done. But eventually - sometimes, unfortunately, not very far into it - the anxiety begins. The dread of having to deal with being behind schedule, over budget, overwhelmed with too many tasks and not enough bandwidth to deal with it all.

I'm just not suited for budgets and schedules and product deliveries. I'm a dreamer, a prototyper, a person who likes to sit back and think about things, imagining ways it might be done better or faster or more elegantly. Consequently, I spend far too much time thinking about work than actually doing work.

Go ahead. Ask Cheryl. She'll tell you it's true. It's true of all my home projects as well.

I ran across an interesting article the other day
which seemed to illuminate my predicament. The article speaks to the potential mis-categorization of students as "gifted" when they are, in fact, either high-achievers or creative learners. Thinking back to my junior high school days, when I was enrolled in the "Talented and Gifted" program, it always puzzled me that I should be considered "gifted" when it was so obvious that my peers were the ones with the "gifts" and I was merely the one with a great deal of luck to be accidentally included in the group. My peers were very smart. They could play instruments; they enjoyed playing mathematical games and putting puzzles together; they had artistic flair and could draw objects that actually looked something; they were (mostly) disciplined and could get their work done on time without procrastinating.

I was not exceptionally smart, but I could read and comprehend; and if you could read and comprehend the material, it really wasn't that difficult to do well in school.

I liked being in the TAG group, but always felt as though someone had made a mistake by putting me in there; and it was obvious that, sooner or later, they were going to find out that I didn't really belong there, and should be kicked out. And I'd have to go back to my old classroom and sit with the idiots who couldn't figure read or comprehend the simplest sentences in English.

The same thing happened in high school. I was placed in the advanced classes with all the bright, fun people, and had a wonderful time, making good grades, but ... there was always a sense that someday, someone was going to discover that I wasn't quite as smart as everyone else, and I'd have to go back to the "normal" group. But the people in those classes were so much fun! They actually took learning seriously! And understood my weird sense of humor!

College was where it all fell apart. You actually have to work hard in college, not just think about working hard, and I spent more time daydreaming about the things I was supposed to be doing instead of actually doing them - until the day before the project was due or the test was going to take place.

In college, you also have to deal with a multitude of complicated subjects all at once. Unlike high school, there isn't sufficient time to focus on one for a long period of time until it's done; you must be able to multi-task. In one night, you might need to read thirty pages of text and write a paper and complete a mathematics assignment and complete a take-home quiz. Lots of focus-shifting in a short amount of time. And that is something I've never been able to do.

In my latest job assignment, unfortunately, it's a requirement. As a Technical Lead, I'm responsible for estimating budgets and schedules and team assignments on a weekly basis, plus handling all the problems that come up, whether they be personal, technical, or otherwise. In addition, there are reports that must be filed every week, multiple meetings to attend every day, and occasionally even programming problems that must be addressed.

It is normally the case that the end of the day comes along and I have not yet completed a single task on my list. It is frustrating. And it makes me wonder why it is so difficult.

After reading the article, it became obvious. I'm not primarily a high-achiever nor a gifted learner, but a creative thinker.

Which means that the following apply: daydreaming, overflowing with ideas (many of which will never be developed); always asking, "What if..."; not particularly interested in mastery; improvising instead of mastering; not motivated by grades (or kudos or awards or any of the other stupid carrots offered by management); off-the-wall humor; likes to work alone.

This is not Tech Lead or Management material, in my opinion. This is R&D material. This is the kind of person that needs to be let loose in a laboratory to see what comes out.

But that doesn't fit in with the corporate culture. Typically the corporation wants everyone to be a high-achiever, and tolerates one or two of the gifted types to become the 'architects', the geniuses behind the designs. There isn't a place for people who just sit around thinking up new ideas because that isn't an activity that can be planned, scheduled or budgeted. And a corporation thrives on being able to predict with certainty when things will be done and how much they will cost.

It's going to get even worse in the coming year as The Company implements their new plan for turning us all into Systems Engineers (and out-sourcing all the 'grunt' work of software coding and testing to overseas suppliers). There won't be many positions available. Inevitably, there will be layoffs and transfers and downsizing, just the kind of thing that Michigan needs about now, with home prices declining and unemployment rising.

It's going to be a fun year!