Cheryl sent me a link to a site apropos of Valentine's Day which lists "Eight Ways to Stay in Love". They are all very good ideas, but my brain cannot handle a big number like "8", so I trimmed it down to 5 essentials:
1. Have fun together.
Cheryl is very good at coming up with fun things to do. We used to go on picnics and hikes a lot when we were dating; we also cooked dinner together (she taught me to love salmon!)
When the kids came along, she researched lots of fun places to take the kids - museums, pumpkin patches, simple hikes, train rides. She also taught the kids how to throw marshmallows at each other. And she taught them really bad puns (but we blame Grandpa Green for that, because we think she got that from him!). Even now, as I type, she is plotting something fun ... or opening another bag of marshmallows.
2. Focus on the positives.
I am a natural pessimist and complainer (one would almost say gifted). Cheryl likes to look on the bright side of things. I am quick to find fault with everything (and everyone). She is always looking for ways to help people improve. I am always quick to point out where people have failed. She is (usually) patient. I am only patient with dogs and small children.
Her biggest frustration is lazy procrastinators (like her husband). But she manages to always have a kind and thoughtful word in almost every situation. Even when people are slow to take her advice. Or just slow. Like me.
3. Forgive flaws, failures and foibles.
We are all human, we all make mistakes. Some of us tend to dwell on those mistakes. Mostly our own. Cheryl is quick to forgive, quick to forget (or at least never bring it up again). But I think she gets a lot of amusement from the foibles of her husband. Who can't remember where he put the tape measure. Again.
She loves to laugh at silliness, at stupid mistakes. She is still trying to get me to drop the ego and laugh at my own mistakes. It's a bit of an uphill battle, but I'd like to think I've made progress over the last 23 years.
Why, just the other day, I came this close to laughing at myself.
If only the cat hadn't been watching.
4. Share the load.
Cheryl loves for us to work together on projects. She is always asking me if I need help. Sadly, my brain is so random (as is my method of accomplishing tasks) that, most of the time, I'm at a loss to know how she can help. Because that would require me to know what I'm doing in the first place.
I don't plan well. She is a top-notch planner.
Her favorite thing in the whole world is getting people together to work on something. Dinner, cleaning, painting - you name it, she'll get people together to work on it. She is really good at arranging get-togethers, celebrations, Bible studies, and even painting parties. She revels in the joy of gathering groups of people to accomplish something beneficial, especially if it involves lots of delicious food or making the house more beautiful or functional. Even better if it involves both.
I'm still trying to remember where I put that tape measure.
5. Grow together.
I'd like to think that we've grown a lot over the last couple of decades. (I'd also like to think that I've grown vertically, but that really hasn't happened.)
We've survived some very interesting challenges: births, deaths, accidents, disasters, tax season (or is that redundant?).
We've had some excellent discussions about philosophy, theology, psychology, history, politics, child-rearing, financial planning, and house repair.
We've managed to mostly agree on everything (except child-rearing, because my plan all along has been to spoil my children rotten, and she keeps wanting them to "mature" -- whatever that means).
Even though we are different people with different ideas and motivations and emotional baggage and childhood experiences/influences, we've tried to remember that our goal is to grow in the same direction, towards each other rather than elsewhere.
It hasn't been easy. Our hobbies don't intersect. For some reason, she just isn't interested in the inner workings of a 2.5-liter Subaru engine. And for some other reason, I just can't wrap my mind around the concept of twirling yarn around to create hats and scarves and blankets.
But we've found common ground. We share the joy of great literature, wholesome movies, classical music, beautiful gardens, our wonderful children, and God. We like to travel, but we also enjoy sitting at home and watching Jane Austen movies or Monty Python sketches or episodes of Morse. We enjoy working together, playing together, singing together, and just being together.
We both feel very blessed to have each other.
Summary
Staying "in love" takes a lot of work. There are days when I'm very unloveable. OK, weeks. But that doesn't seem to daunt Cheryl. She always seems to find something to love.
There are some days (OK, weeks) where she doesn't like me very much, but it is important to note that "like" has very little to do with "love". One is an emotional response to a personality or a character, while the other is a decision made in spite of a personality or character.
I'm glad she decided all those years ago to love me. Life with her has been a wonderful adventure. I can't wait to get to the next phase, where we discover what it's like to have the house all to ourselves again!
1. Have fun together.
Cheryl is very good at coming up with fun things to do. We used to go on picnics and hikes a lot when we were dating; we also cooked dinner together (she taught me to love salmon!)
When the kids came along, she researched lots of fun places to take the kids - museums, pumpkin patches, simple hikes, train rides. She also taught the kids how to throw marshmallows at each other. And she taught them really bad puns (but we blame Grandpa Green for that, because we think she got that from him!). Even now, as I type, she is plotting something fun ... or opening another bag of marshmallows.
2. Focus on the positives.
I am a natural pessimist and complainer (one would almost say gifted). Cheryl likes to look on the bright side of things. I am quick to find fault with everything (and everyone). She is always looking for ways to help people improve. I am always quick to point out where people have failed. She is (usually) patient. I am only patient with dogs and small children.
Her biggest frustration is lazy procrastinators (like her husband). But she manages to always have a kind and thoughtful word in almost every situation. Even when people are slow to take her advice. Or just slow. Like me.
3. Forgive flaws, failures and foibles.
We are all human, we all make mistakes. Some of us tend to dwell on those mistakes. Mostly our own. Cheryl is quick to forgive, quick to forget (or at least never bring it up again). But I think she gets a lot of amusement from the foibles of her husband. Who can't remember where he put the tape measure. Again.
She loves to laugh at silliness, at stupid mistakes. She is still trying to get me to drop the ego and laugh at my own mistakes. It's a bit of an uphill battle, but I'd like to think I've made progress over the last 23 years.
Why, just the other day, I came this close to laughing at myself.
If only the cat hadn't been watching.
4. Share the load.
Cheryl loves for us to work together on projects. She is always asking me if I need help. Sadly, my brain is so random (as is my method of accomplishing tasks) that, most of the time, I'm at a loss to know how she can help. Because that would require me to know what I'm doing in the first place.
I don't plan well. She is a top-notch planner.
Her favorite thing in the whole world is getting people together to work on something. Dinner, cleaning, painting - you name it, she'll get people together to work on it. She is really good at arranging get-togethers, celebrations, Bible studies, and even painting parties. She revels in the joy of gathering groups of people to accomplish something beneficial, especially if it involves lots of delicious food or making the house more beautiful or functional. Even better if it involves both.
I'm still trying to remember where I put that tape measure.
5. Grow together.
I'd like to think that we've grown a lot over the last couple of decades. (I'd also like to think that I've grown vertically, but that really hasn't happened.)
We've survived some very interesting challenges: births, deaths, accidents, disasters, tax season (or is that redundant?).
We've had some excellent discussions about philosophy, theology, psychology, history, politics, child-rearing, financial planning, and house repair.
We've managed to mostly agree on everything (except child-rearing, because my plan all along has been to spoil my children rotten, and she keeps wanting them to "mature" -- whatever that means).
Even though we are different people with different ideas and motivations and emotional baggage and childhood experiences/influences, we've tried to remember that our goal is to grow in the same direction, towards each other rather than elsewhere.
It hasn't been easy. Our hobbies don't intersect. For some reason, she just isn't interested in the inner workings of a 2.5-liter Subaru engine. And for some other reason, I just can't wrap my mind around the concept of twirling yarn around to create hats and scarves and blankets.
But we've found common ground. We share the joy of great literature, wholesome movies, classical music, beautiful gardens, our wonderful children, and God. We like to travel, but we also enjoy sitting at home and watching Jane Austen movies or Monty Python sketches or episodes of Morse. We enjoy working together, playing together, singing together, and just being together.
We both feel very blessed to have each other.
Summary
Staying "in love" takes a lot of work. There are days when I'm very unloveable. OK, weeks. But that doesn't seem to daunt Cheryl. She always seems to find something to love.
There are some days (OK, weeks) where she doesn't like me very much, but it is important to note that "like" has very little to do with "love". One is an emotional response to a personality or a character, while the other is a decision made in spite of a personality or character.
I'm glad she decided all those years ago to love me. Life with her has been a wonderful adventure. I can't wait to get to the next phase, where we discover what it's like to have the house all to ourselves again!
3 comments:
Nice. And as much as you seem to think you're a hard guy to live with, from the moment you wrote that first song for her, I have always been inspired by the way you express your love for your wife. Your blog is a sweet read just for that reason. I always feel sorry for the women whose husbands put them down, in public or private. So, yeah, you may be an old grump with a knack for getting side-tracked, but you are very lucky to have each other, indeed.
And you'll LOVE the empty house. :-D
Jeanne said it right-like I never would be able to. You two really have been an inspiration to many.
And as for the empty house--That is a laugh. Every time you turn around you see something that reminds of of the days gone by and then you waste (well not really) time remembering what you can about it before the memory is forever gone. Keep on writing, Rob, cause many a day is ended here by reading some of your wonderful blogs. Love you all.
Thank you all for your kind words. The hardest thing in the whole world is to put into words how one feels about someone else, someone near and dear to one's heart. And just when we're working up the words in our head, the courage in our voice, there is an interruption - typically a teenager needing to express their independence in one way or another (in some inappropriate way) - and the moment is lost.
But we try anyway.
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