Falling Apart

It is sometimes difficult to tell the difference between an allergic reaction to an external stimulus, and an immunilogical reaction to an internal bacterial or viral stimulus.

About a week ago, there was something in the air which seemed to be playing havoc with my immune system. The reaction was nearly identical to that of a normal allergen: sneezing, drippy nose, headache, difficulty breathing. Naturally, then, the symptoms were attributed to some kind of plant (or animal) detritus which was floating around in the air with the sole purpose of making me - and some of my family - miserable.

But the conditions persisted over time, and then it became obvious that a simple allergen could not explain the reaction completely. Adam took to bed for a time; my own energy had dropped to extremely low levels. And the normal, over-the-counter medicines weren't helping. All they did was make me feel sleepy.

Now, a week later, we all feel a little better, not like those who have survived the onslaught of an air-borne irritant, but rather those who have beaten off an internal invader. The energy levels are still not quite back up to where they were before, but we are slowly gaining ground.

In the meantime, the entire weekend was spent not getting anything done. Except Cheryl, who on Saturday attended the Beth Moore simulcast with a gathering of other ladies from the area. She wasn't feeling at the top of her physical game, but she sure looked good! And she had a great time. As for the rest of us, we struggled to get through the day doing various things here and there, but nothing of great consequence. The plants continued to die off, the garage continued to be cluttered, the basement continued to be ignored (except by those who spent the majority of their time watching Doctor Who on YouTube, or playing video games, or getting some homework done).

I've had a bee in my bonnet lately about getting back to the basics of my profession. My current position is boring me silly (another management position), and some days it feels as though all my technical knowledge is leaking out of my ears. So the old books are pulled out again, the ones about circuits and transistors and microprocessors and software design and building the Linux kernel from scratch, and an attempt is made to stimulate my brain with these seriously out-dated tomes. And for a few moments, it's the Nineties again, and I'm at the cusp of technology, and everything is new and wonderful and exciting, and no one mistakes me for an ancient fossil.

Which happens sometimes at work.

That's the trouble with technical work. If you don't keep up with the latest advances as part of your working career, there is a danger of becoming the "Old Man and the C" who can't program his way out of a paper bag because he's spent too much time poring over spreadsheets and proposals and budgets and other meaningless trivia, trying to manage teams of bright young engineers instead of being one of those bright young engineers as he once was. And there is a definite need for good managers! But there is not enough time in the day - or in a life - to do both, and do them both well.

At least, not in my experience. Maybe I just work for the wrong company. But in this business, it is rare to find someone who can be both Manager and Engineer. A Manager needs to be able to handle the Executives and their ridiculous focus on the bottom line ("make the shareholders happy!"), while an Engineer needs to be able to focus on creating technological miracles out of the latest, hottest tech toys. Most of the time, though, if you keep the shareholders happy, you end up creating junk (that barely works) out of baling wire and duct tape. And if you make the engineers happy by spending lots of time and money on perfecting the product, you have a company that comes to the brink of bankruptcy.

Sometimes it feels like my "career" is falling apart. But I never really wanted a "career". I just wanted to build computers. Only thing is, I should've been doing that thirty years ago, back when it was still relatively simple. Now it's much too complicated. You don't see any people making them out in their garages anymore. Now it takes teams of people, and lots of money. And good management. And people who are driven by the vision of a great product, not the vision of a big paycheck (or bonus).

Right now, I'm driven by the vision of actually being able to get up in the morning and walk around without feeling any pain.

At some point in the past week, while getting or recovering from this illness (whateve it is), my lower back muscles got pulled. They've been aching something awful. Makes it difficult to lean over, pick things up, sit comfortably, pick up small children during Bible school. And my shoulder aches, too, but I'm not sure why. Old tennis injury, probably. Can't throw a ball overhand without feeling my shoulder screaming. And my finger got jammed a week ago, helping the Marching Band get their instruments out of the trailers.

It could be that my warranty is running out. Guess I should check the paperwork. Or get down to the doctor's for a check-up. See how the old machinery is working these days. Had a stress test two or three years back, and it went very well. But things don't feel as good now as they did back then. This summer, I was having difficulty making a quarter-mile run, wheezing like an old cow. And I thought I was in pretty good shape, after making it up Nevada Falls in Yosemite a couple years go. But it's hard to keep on top of that stuff when you sit in a cubicle all day.

Which is probably a good enough reason to go out at lunchtime today and take a long walk.